Thoughts that go through my head during any given Bikram yoga class
(Warning: Overshare/TMI/Typical Erin Gross-Out Humour Ahead)
Today is day 25. That means I have 5 classes left. I’m 3 poses in. That means I have 23 poses left in this class. After this class I will have 130 poses left with 10 breathing exercises. As of this very minute I have 153 poses left with 11 breathing exercises.
What am I going to eat after this? Crepe? Smoothie? Cheese? Chicken Wings?
Bikram is amazing at branding. He branded himself before anyone realized what “branding oneself” even meant. Now everyone has a blog, and a brand, and a twitter. Ugh. His website sucks. I wonder if they need a blogger.
I bet he and his wife fuck all the time.
Farted again. Does it smell? Affirmative. Does that girl next to me notice? She looks in the zone, so hopefully not.
The smell of my farts has really changed since I started Bikram. Less like actual shit-infused air and more like rotting food. Does that mean my bowel movements are now less developed, and their composition, on the spectrum of food to feces, is closer to food? Hmm.
The heat is burning my nostrils. Someone once told me nostril hairs held memories. That can’t be true.
Find…. Inner …. Stillness….
FIND… INNER … STILLNESS… FIND INNER STILLNESS! FINDTHEFUCKINGSTILLNESS!
After Half Tortoise pose I can inhale so deeply I almost choke on the air. That’s good, right?
I am totally getting a coconut water after class. Oh hell yeah I am. YEAH coconut water.
Girl in front of me didn’t wear underwear today and should have, as I have a prime shot of her grooming preferences.
Speaking of crotches, these pants give me a hardcore cameltoe. Even better, I’ve got a sweat cameltoe, since my inner thighs are sweating like bandits, yet my “toe” is nice and dry. So many things about Bikram yoga are gross.
I wonder how much that girl’s dreadlocks weigh. I’d say around 4 pounds.
Every time we stand up from stretching she lets them hang over her face like Cousin It. I can’t imagine being surrounded by a steaming dreadlock jungle like that.
The girl in the corner is Bikram roadkill. I don’t think she’s done a single pose. Does she think the studio is her personal sauna? Pssh.
Where did these fucking zits come from? I thought Bikram was supposed to cure everything, including acne. Is there medical proof to back up any of this crap?
FIND STILLNESS. Concentrate. Meditate. Breathe in and out through the nose.
The instructor keeps telling me to suck in my stomach. I would like to retort that this is what my stomach looks like sucked in, and I’m sorry my rolls are deceiving you you skinny bitch, but I cannot retort, because I can’t talk awhile I’m sucking in my stomach, and also, I’m scared of her.